Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hidden Blessings - Christy's Story

God can bring blessing and growth into our lives through seemingly impossible and heartbreaking circumstances. Today's testimony is from Christy who blogs at Fearfully.Wonderfully. I know that some of you will be able to identify with her struggle with multiple miscarriages. My prayer is that you will be encouraged by the blessings she received through a seemingly hopeless situation. 
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Any person who has had to come face to face with infertility, pregnancy loss or failed adoption knows that the shoes are miserable to wear.  It's like being a member of a club that no one wants to admit they're in.  As a member of this club, there are days that come and go where it feels like this world is PURPOSELY rubbing the "lack of's" and "inability to's" in our faces. Even worse, there are days where we feel like God is the one to blame. My story has been birthed out of that pain, but the ultimate blessing has come in realizing that God is NOT to blame, He is the one carrying me through!
I can remember each moment like it was yesterday - each one of the four times that we were told our pregnancy was over. Our first pregnancy ended after 7 weeks.  Our second pregnancy ended after 5 weeks. Months later a glorious light and hope poured into our lives through the pregnancy and birth of our beautiful son, Isaak.  A year passed, and an unexpected pregnancy filled us with raw excitement as we planned to add another member to our family.  All was going wonderfully, until the 15th week. The bleeding began, and later an ultrasound confirmed that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was scheduled for a D&C the same day. Four months later we were again pregnant, but an ultrasound at 9 weeks confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Our fourth miscarriage was imminent. We had no answers.  We had no idea how it was possible to have 4 miscarriages (all with a different diagnosis) and 1 completely healthy boy. Our doctor was baffled.  The questions were never-ending, but God’s work was just beginning.
When we were losing our 4th baby, I prayed so hard.  I was on my face crying out to God, praying, begging Him for a miracle, begging Him to please move in our life.  Please, just let us see a miracle!  The days that followed were so very painful… physically, emotionally and spiritually.  But a miracle was coming.  A healing was coming… not the one we had prayed for, but a healing none-the-less.
God has moved in my life, my family and my marriage in such a way, that we will never be the same.  I realized through this, that I was still angry from the 3rd miscarriage. I was still angry from the 2nd miscarriage. I was even still angry from the 1st miscarriage.  That's when I realized... something had to change! The walls HAD to come down. In our journey over the last 6 months we have learned this:

1. God is still God.
He knows more than me.  He is the only one that can see the big picture.  He alone knows what we can and cannot handle.  Before we ever faced a serious trial in our life, we lived our lives almost assuming that God owed us something, not the other way around.  Through each and every loss and through our prayers we have learned that - sometimes God says 'yes', sometimes God says 'no', and sometimes God says, "I am God".  And that needs to be enough for us. What a blessing to learn that now instead of later.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9


Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18

2. We have a miracle.
His name is Isaak.  He is our son, and so perfect in our eyes.  But, I was so busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why God was letting this happen, and what I could do to fix it, that I was looking past the beautiful miracle that I wake up to every single day.  We have treasured his sweet 2-year-old spirit.  We have laughed with him, cried with him, and formed an un-breakable bond with a son who IS here, alive and full of purpose.  God has used our pain to remind us to cherish the blessings we DO have and not to dwell on what we DON'T.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:18

3. We have a story and a healing.
We've been very open about everything that we have gone through.  I've been so blessed by the stories of others, and I believe if anyone out there has walked a similar path and can take away the smallest inkling of hope that God is bigger than all of this - then I believe NOT ONE PART of our story was experienced in vain. We are striving to move into a place where we can stand with circumstances aside and claim victory in our own lives - REGARDLESS of the outcome. Yes, we are hoping for a miraculous healing, and one day hope to have more children, but more than that - we are experiencing an emotional & spiritual healing. A healing that is erasing the scars from each painful season we have been through. Not the scars from the situations themselves, but the scars from the bitterness and anger that I have let form over me. I CANNOT serve a God who I claim to be my First and Only Love, but be angry with Him simultaneously. He is my Creator, my God, my Healer, my first love, my best friend and I know that won't change because of a circumstance.

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.  Rev 12:11a

No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you.
Luke 11:33-36


I can honestly stand where I am now and say that I can look back and see the hand of God over our lives.  I do not believe He is the author of despair; I believe He is my Healer and we have watched Him take our mess of a story and stitch it into something that can be used for His glory.  He has allowed each loss to serve a purpose, and He has given us our beautiful son as the ultimate comfort and reminder of His love.  We continue to write our story because we know it is not over; in fact it's just beginning.

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I WILL see you again and you WILL rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  John 16:22 
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I'm SO blessed every time Christy shares her story of pain, growth, faith, and healing. I know she'd love to meet you at her blog, Fearfully.Wonderfully. 

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